Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
