i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
