if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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