i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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