Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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