...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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