New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
