ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
