So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
