I think i peed on brittanys purse
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
