I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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