Just fell off a train. Bad.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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