I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
