I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
