After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
