I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
They took my balls.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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