How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
