Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
