The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
