Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Rumble strips road head = magical
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
