i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize