I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
