i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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