K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
high people should be assigned attendants
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
