i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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