her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
