It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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