She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My butt remains clenched, sir.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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