In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I could fuck to npr.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
