How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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