I seem to have left my pride at pride
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
