we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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