How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
we're so committed to being not committed
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
