I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
