and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
