So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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