found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize