also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
it's like iHOP with fire
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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