She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
