I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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