dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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