I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
