god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
