Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
