I accidentally had phone sex last night
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
