if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
