Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
