he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
