He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
