your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
