if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize