i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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