The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
