She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
