I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
wanna go halves on a baby?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
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