Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
birth control should be required to get into college
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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